Mystic "Mullet Boy" Rhythyms (yes, that's how he spells it) parodies from alt.music.rush ========== MysticRhythyms (Mystic Rhythms) by corum So many things he posts about To while away the day Things he read, things he pondered Why won't he go away The more things he writes about And he gets on a roll Why don't we all just 'Plonk" him Instead we feed the troll..... MysticRythyms Posting his thoughts Carry him away Mysteries of life escape him right away MysticRythyms Always picking fights Or too stupid to care Insensitive jerk To the thoughts of everyone We sometimes catch a glimpse of The virgin that's behind All the craps that's posted Does he have no mind? More things that are screamed about Unwanted and unheard We suspend our disbelief And then flip him the bird. MysticRythyms Something took his brain Carried it away Spewing his smack In such a childish way MysticRythyms Here on amr In an off topic way Why can't someone come and take him clear away? We smell the crap and bull from a million miles away. ========== Mystic Mullet (Mystic Rhythms) by Bill So many things I read about When I logged on today Things I knew -- things I wondered Things I'm about to say The more we think we know about The greater the surprise I rubbed my eyes in disbelief And laughed until I cried Mystic Mullet - captured on film I saw the link today Dipfucks of the night exposed in light of day Mystic Mullet - an AMR blight Primitive elation in The hearts of everyone We sometimes catch a strange fellow An "intellectual"? Was it just imagination "Establishing those bonds?" All things that he dreams about For Mystic knows no bounds... I rub my eyes in disbelief "A few extra pounds!!???" Mystic Mullet - gotta weigh a deuce Maybe two twenty five Mystic's hair is shaped in A complete unnatural way Mystic Mullet - gave us a all a fright Acting like a cool rock star Instead he works the fryers As he wonders what went wrong He long ago forgot The ad that gave us all this fun... ========== Peaceable Newsgroup (Peaceable Kingdom) by John Shafto A wave toward the clearing sky All this time we're talking and sharing our Rational View A little voice in Tacoma is spreading other news All this time we're living and trying to understand Why the confused little cuss is making his demands Talk of a Peaceable Newsgroup Talk of a time without MysticRear The one we wish would listen Is never going to hear Justice against The Mullet Man Knight of Maxx against The Liar Reason against The Rage Time against The Crier All this time we're plonking and laying out all our cards While a certain fat lard is slipping past our guards All this time we're hoping and praying we all might learn While a cheap guitar player hopes George Bush will burn Dream of a Peaceable Newsgroup Dream of a time without MysticBore The one we wish would hear us Has heard it all before A wave toward the clearing sky A wave toward the clearing sky The Lonely against The Groupies Or the Troll against The Fools Words against the discussions The Mullet against the rules All this time we're posting like writers up too late A billowing cretin is shooting off his hate Every post is a drifting message, insightful or lame To fall upon the group and spark another flame A homely troll on the fly A wave toward the clearing sky ========== How It Is (How It Is) by John Shafto Here's a little trap That sometime's catches the Mystie One When today's as far as he can see Faith in Bushless tomorrows giving way to resignation That's how it is -- how it's going to be It's such a Bushie day Seems he'll never see a 'D' in power or feel the government has possibilities Frozen in the moment -- the lack of imagination Between how it is and how it ought to be Here's a little trap That sometimes trips up the Mystie One When he tires of his own company Sometimes he's the last to see beyond his Bush frustrations That's how it is -- how it's going to be It's such a Bushie day Seem's he'll never see a 'D' in power Or feel the government is all uncertainty Burning in the moment -- trapped by the desperation Between how it is and how it ought to be Foot upon the AMR stair Shoulder to his mouse wheel He can't tell himself not to care He can't tell himself how to feel That's how it is Another Bushie day ========== Mystic Sawyer (Tom Sawyer) by Dave Hearn A Certified techician, Full time fryer, Today's true Mystic-- --a big fat liar! Though his views are all too bent, At least he pays his mother rent, Always hopes for your discontent, Weighs as much as an elephant. And would you want the man's company, Or opt instead for a lobotomy? Catch the ad, catch the pic View sad Mystic And his tiny prick Oh Ken is, Oh Ken is, so round so rontund-ly "Would you like your burger .with.FRIES?" ========== New World Mullet (New World Man) by Duley He's a loser and a whiner "George Bush, he is so mean" He's a restless young romantic Posts ads in the "dating" scene. He's got a problem with his hair doo But you know he'll find a comb He's trimming up his mullet. Mom's basement is his home. Trying to match his wits against A-M-R Learning he just can't win in A-M-R He'll never admit his own mistakes Or learn to mend the mess he makes He's dumb enough to think he's right We're morons, the way he views it He hides while others defend the world Hatred, he sits and spews it. He's a Mulll-ettt Mannn... He's a real "plagiarizer" Of web sites so galore He's a writer and arranger With his thinking so obscure He's got a problem with our country With our soldiers on patrol He's gonna walk a firing line If the FBI takes control Trying to save the day for A-M-R If only he wouldn't stay in A-M-R. He's not concerned with facts today He really just wants to have his say He's smart enough to cook some fries His fat, he won't excuse it. A big believer in free speech Too bad he will abuse it He's a Mulll-ettt Mann.... ========== Mullet Man (Working Man) by Max C. Webster, III I get up at three pm, And I go to work at five. I got no time for postin', Yes, I'm fryin' all the time. It seems to me I could cut my hair A lot better than I am right now. I guess that's why they call me, They call me the Mullet Man. They call me the Mullet Man. I guess that's what I am. I get home at two am, And fire up my old PC Always seem to be wonderin' Why AMR can't agree with me. It seems to them I should cut my hair A lot better than I do right now. I guess that's why they call me, They call me the Mullet Man. They call me the Mullet Man. I guess that's what I am. Well they call me the Mullet Man. I guess that's what I am. ========== Brown Mullet-ta (Red Barchetta) by Dan Iwerks My mother has a basement room Where I live in her house She says if I don't keep a job She'll kick my fat ass out. On Sundays I bus the tables Down at Country Buffet I get to eat leftover food Plus half-price lunch on break. Go to my room And hit AMR through my dial-up line Type 50 posts And repeat the word "DIPFUCK" every single time Up in the fridge My mother hid from me twelve pounds of cheese To keep it past lunch Had been her dearest dream I have to clean up yard debris Before mom lets my drive my car A rusting '80 Nova, All I can afford at this time Fire up the smoking engine Responding with a roar Chassis leaking oil I try to get to work on time My hockey hair Dirty and greasy I should probably wash this I stink like fry grease . . . A fat, bloated moron With near-incessant gas, Floating about me in a hazy cloud, The scent of unwashed ass . . . Suddenly ahead of me Down through my Usenet line A heaping pile of insults Comes towards me, 80 characters wide I fire back with "FUCKING FASCIST" To put them in their place I keep on posting the same old shit Every fucking day. Post like the wind Straining my brain as best I can Foaming at the mouth with hate and cheese I'm a desperate man I'm a one-trick pony I'd be so glad if George Bush died Go back to my job And dream of his death by my fryer's side ========== Mullets (Dog Years) by Levi Ramsey With a mullet Your prospects really start to vanish And all to soon the fryer -'Ll be manned by Jose who speaks Spanish It seems to me As Mysty accuses us of dipfuck'ry He gets it backwards As no chick will touch his periphery Mullets -- the hair really starts to itch Mullets -- they've been dead for several years Air America One twenty-five on Sirius All he listens to Why? Who knows, it's very mysterious It seems to me While it's true that every Mullet spawns 'let-lets When he moves out of his mom's Basement, there are no double-wides which he will let Mullets -- the hair really starts to itch Mullets -- they've been dead for several years Mullets -- Mysty's a sad son of a bitch Mullets -- with invisible ears In Mysty's brain A constant buzz of Bush-hating static One sniff of a coke-line And the Dean vote's automatic It seems to me As Mysty tries to match online With an ad He's lost his senses And won't get his mullet cut ========== Untitled (War Paint) by Damon Scott Hynes Mysty before the mirror Appraises his disguise Child become a whiner Tries out some GWB lies. No more mommas-boy excuses It has to be today Mom can keep her fantasy If she can move away Paint her name with a dripping leak Painted cheeks with tortured meat Misplaced pride in painted eyes Wishful-thinking orgasmic cries. All fucked up on ecstasy He sees what he wants to grease To the mulleted but not wise His hubris never lies Boy kisses the mirror Checks his masturbage Polishes his 'armor' And the Chevette the garage. No more lame excuses panties in a bunch He can take the princess If she can't take a punch. Pound his pud with martial beat Pound the streets with unemployed feet Wounded dick, distorted hairsty(le) Paint the night with class-warfare lies. All fucked up on ecstasy He sees what he wants to grease To the mulleted but not wise His hubris never lies Girls and Mysty together? Replace conceit with pride Ambition for confusion Dreams for MickeyD-elusion. Girls and Mysty together? We know what he'll lack Girls and Mysty together? Take those Trojans back Take them back! All fucked up with vanity He sees what he wants to grease To the mulleted but not wise His hubris never lies Mysty and...well, Mysty together Paint the mirror white The mirror always dries ========== You Wet Your Life (You Bet Your Life) by Rob (nee Petard) Just another tweaker hawking USENET junk Just another mullet hanging from a lump Just another victim of the things Bush has done Just another lop -- flippinš patties onto buns When Max gets even; itšs not a game When Max gets even; youšll feel the pain You wet your life... Just another wiener with a vinyl backdrop Just another chump whošs leaning on a mop Just another hoser with a raccoon on top Just another D00D without the sense to stop MysticRhythyms; itšs always the same MysticRhythyms; all CAPS is his GAME You wet your life... Laughingstock of AMR, keeps-on-posting masochist Friendless, senseless, witless, aimless triple-chinned antagonist Canšt reach all his body parts, still he plays the narcissist Jimijam he wants a woman, what an over-optimist! Lonely basement-dwelling loser, Al Qaeda apologist Ranting psycho burger flipping Bush Derangement Syndromist Send over the white coat lab-boys; this freak needs a specialist Mom is calling, What no dinner?, refill the fridge--I insist! Just another hippy with a plastic guitar Just a Gomer Pyle -- yes hešs that kind of star Just an ignoramus chomping on candy bars Just another punk -- who canšt afford a car MysticRhythyms; K-Ken is his name MysticRhythyms; all CAPS is his GAME You wet your life... ========== Mysty MulletHead (Styx's Miss America, "edited" words in original) by HerrWitt In the basement of your momma's house Therein lives this stupid louse Who roars yet is still a mouse "GWB is evil!" We love your haircut (HA!) in those photographs With your physique you sure must be proud The Adonis of Tacoma Is nothing but a turd. Piss off, Mysty MulletHead Bugger off, Mysty MulletHead F_ck off, Mysty MulletHead You c_nt. His ad on AmericanSingles.com Was compiled with gusto and aplomb But the ladies just weren't impressed "I wouldn't go out with that mess!" A nifty flag adorns his wall His album collection must be ten feet tall How does this tool have the gall? To label everyone "DIPF_CK." Piss off, Mysty MulletHead Bugger off, Mysty MulletHead F_ck off, Mysty MulletHead You c_nt. It's true - just take a look The fast food sometimes makes the cook And his managers would often remind "Kenny, please ask, 'Super-size it?'" In your cage at the AMR zoo Everyone posts to ridicule you Next year, what will you do? When you are still a LOSER. Piss off, Mysty MulletHead Bugger off, Mysty MulletHead F_ck off, Mysty MulletHead You c_nt. ========== Big Loser (Prime Mover) by John in NH Simple job description, Just don't burn the fries; Stir 'em as you salt 'em, Keep 'em warm and dry. Need to get some release, Try some maddening words; Post them to AMR, Pretend I'm not a nerd! I am Mystic Mullet! What's the point of existence, I am clearly a boob; Livin' in my mom's basement, And leachin' all of her food. I've got an outdated hairdo, And a personal ad; I suck at the guitar, And I think Bush is bad. I am Mystic Mullet! Ever posting DIPFUCK, And other stupid stuff; If I say it enough, They will think I'm tough! I should really diet, In between my rants; I am sick of wearing, These size 50 pants. I am Mystic Mullet! Like to show I'm a wise guy, Maybe even smart; But I've got such a short fuse, Debates can't even start. I go right into cussing, And other dumb-ass stuff; Oh, screw it - I'm stupid, Where's the marshmallow fluff? I am Mystic Mullet! I set the treadmill in motion, Put Springer on the TV; They're playin' the one, 'Bout my mom and me. "I'll just keep on postin'," I scream in my loudest voice; "May be Southern by birth, But I'm rebel by choice!" What's the point of existence, I am clearly a boob; Livin' in my mom's basement, And leachin' all of her food. I've got an outdated hairdo, And a personal ad; I suck at the guitar, And I think Bush is bad. I am Mystic Muuuuuuuuuullet! ========== Brown Mullet, eh? (Red Sector A) by Duley All I get to do is cook the fries All I get to say is, "Will that be Super Size?" I start at six, I'm off at two Customers can be so damn rude Shouting boss and flaming grill With luck I'll get to work the till. I type onto the keys Until my fingers bleed With such a sense of zeal And a heart that will not feel Hoping that my trolling will succeed Looking for attention That I so need. Accuse me of insanity? Then here's some profanity!! I tried to diet, I thought I'd die I feel the hunger, I need some fries I fear the sound of reason That they've used of late. Is that LIBERATOR here? Another troll, I need not fear. But that Prof and Max and Dan I sure do hate They say that I'm too fat to Get a date Waiting for my pizza to arrive I'll just troll the newsgroup so that I can feel alive. ========== Pesto (Presto) by Redd Neckerson if I could wave my magic wand... (I sure as hell wouldn't look like this!) Thanks to Frito Lay, I've grown quite large Pabst Blue Ribbon flows in my veins here I hide in my parent's basement an asshole with half a brain My step-mom's shrink told me I was gay I bet George Bush's ass is tight! I look down over a growing gut and wonder if I can find it tonight I think I'll sit by the cement pond & jerk till the Beatles reunite I am one to believe my own bullshit (Hold on, my penis is oozing egg white) I'm not one with a sense of proportion Cause I think 265 lbs is alright! I hate bigots, fascists and Dubba I look like that fatass John Kruk I also can't stand that the war is going well if you disagree with me you're a DIPFUCK! I ate ice cream while listening to Slaughter then some Doritos with nacho cheese I had no weed, so I drank the bong water and wished Rummy would fuck me using axle grease if I could lick my doggie's balls who am I kidding, he'd probably bite! I'm not one to believe in Bushie And I'm starting to grow a third chin I'm not one to go pointing my finger Because I know where it's been don't look at me I'm just bullshitting but I would do Geddy Lee can't you see my weight is rising I'll soon be playing guitar horizontally don't ask me I'm just sodomizing the sister who says my mullet's cool I can see The AMR bullshit meter is rising I radiate more hate and am a fool ========== Mullet Light (Limelight) by Hose Head Living in my Mom's garage Approaches luxury For those who eat for free In touch with Oreos & chips All waiting in the fridge I eat another 20 rolls Ill-equipped to stop And now I'll drink some pops Please put up some barriers Before I eat the pork chops Living in the blubber God, I love it so Please just gimme mo' If Mystic, you wanna be Put aside all good sense Eat lots and pay no rent Swallow cream pies during Lent Whale turds are way above me Living in the mullet lens Caught in the NG's eye Think I'll eat another pie And I can't pretend a Big Mac & fries Aren't long awaited friends I know everything, I do The world needs me to be saved But Mom's driveway is not paved Gee, maybe, if I shutup I will get a clue ========== Tell Don't Show (Show Don't Tell) by Barf How many times will he post it? It goes on all day long He thinks he knows everything And that he's never wrong MINDLESS DIPFUCK Does he really believe? Won't think for himself But the fact that he has no friends Looking for attention somewhere else IN MOM's BASEMENT Tell.... Don't Show... (Tell me, don't show me) He's telling you the score (Tell me, don't show me) Doesn't believe in Bush's war (Tell me, don't show me) Facts don't mean a thing (Tell me, don't show me) He will twist perceptions To make his point seem real He will raise objections He'll never cop a feel DATELESS LOSER He'll give it no reflection Posting from the 'net His thoughts have no direction Based on any evidence USENET MORON (Tell me, don't show me) Hey, there's an order on the grill (Tell me, don't show me) He'll never have the thrill (Tell me, don't show me) Touching women's breasts (Tell me, don't show me) S'okay, says his hands are the best (Tell me, don't show me) (Tell me, don't show me) Hey, the order's on the grill (Tell me, don't show me) Manager's not real thrilled (Tell me, don't show me) FUCK YOU, I'M ON MY BREAK (Tell me, don't show me) Guess next he'll be at Steak&Shake (apologies to Damon) ========== Mulletvisions (Subdivisions) by "Ellen" Dossey Sprawling on the fringes of the eighties In Achy Breaky order Can't wait to make your order In between the hot lamps and the grill alit alone Logging on I'm always so one-sided Opinions all provided The future predecided Detached and so frustrated In the spud production zone Nowhere is the whiner Or the mysfit so alone Mulletvisions In the usenet halls In the food court malls Conform or be cast out Mulletvisions In the basement bars Qaeda are my stars Dipfuck or just cast out? Zany escapes all help to prove The unattractive truth But the newsgroup has no charms to soothe The air guitars of youth Drawn like moths and drift to a computer A timeless old attraction Chastizing for attention Lit up with a Mad Dog Just to feel a sense of right Some will sell their fries for petty wages And sympathize with rats Get caught in greasy traps And start to dream of somewhere to Release their inner blight Somewhere out of a monitor A troubled soul in a usenet fight